Thirty
I blinked, and half a year has gone by since my last post here. Where does the time go? More than ever, it feels like time is moving so fast.
Earlier tonight, I lay on my couch, reading, windows open, a cool breeze blowing in, listening on to the distinct sound of a tennis ball being hit back and forth at the nearby park. It felt like a luxury to enjoy simple sensations and sounds such as these. Slowing down allows for such luxury — it allows us to become aware of things we’re normally too busy to notice, to savour such simple pleasures.
Upon reflecting to myself, I realized that I’ve been too busy. I’ve been overwhelmed. I’ve been moving too fast.
So often, we rush though life — I’m guilty of rushing through life the past few months. We view being busy as a “good” thing because it means we’re at least doing something. But there is arguably more strength to be found in not doing something — it’s uncomfortable, it’s unfamiliar, it’s not the norm. It might be seen as laziness, disinterest, or lack of caring, however, slowing down is completely necessary.
In the slowing down, our mind slows, our thoughts can settle, inspiration comes flowing — in rushing, our foot never comes off the gas, there’s no time to settle, no time to breathe, no time to let go.
While there were notable moments of slowing down for me over the past few months — time spent reading and writing, time spent with good friends, a wellness trip to Arizona (more on this soon!) — I can see that the overall theme of my life has still been rushing. And to what end?
With all the efficiencies available to us, we’re all still so busy. How can that be? We have more time than ever to come back to ourselves, yet we resist it.
I think we all sabotage ourselves in ways, whether we’re willing to admit it or not. I recently re-read The Mountain Is You, which dives into this topic. One sentence in particular had me pausing to actually put my book down for a moment — it felt like such a necessary call-out on a behaviour that I’ve long been guilty of: “People who are constantly ‘busy’ are running from themselves.”
It gave me lots to think about…What am I running from? What am I nervous to face, or not wanting to face? Why am I keeping myself so busy? Is being busy worth it? Why am I not able to sit still? Why does it make me uncomfortable to slow down and be at peace? What don’t I want to sit with?
Four months ago, I turned thirty. I’ve had this piece written for so long, but kept reworking it until it felt “just right”. Paired with claims of being too busy (an excuse), it feels good to finally be putting this out into the world to welcome this new decade I’m in.
I’ve been thinking about how thirty already feels so different than twenty (in a good way). Comparing the start of my 20s to the start of my 30s, I see a stark difference in myself. I learned so much during those ten years. I gained self-awareness, I’ve grown, and I’ve grown up. In not having had a long-term commitment to anyone the second-half of the past decade, I instead had the opportunity to commit to myself — and what a rich, beautiful, rare opportunity that was. It gave me space and time to develop self-worth, to develop confidence, to develop helpful habits and routines, and to develop my personal preferences.
Now, at thirty, having navigated my twenties, I’m armed with so much more knowledge and experience — I now have my own extra-stable foundation to stand on. I have learned an infinite amount of lessons already and am eager to learn through so many more experiences. I’m excited for things to come together, but I’m also not in a rush for what’s coming. If anything, I’ve learned that there are no timelines. I’m just focusing on becoming the best version of myself, enjoying the ride, and savouring each moment.
In the vein of Dolly Alderton in Everything I Know About Love, here are some lessons I’ve learned over the years… thirty, to be exact ;)
I wanted to share these in the format of notes-to-self. Though I wouldn’t change any part of my experience thus far, here are some things that may have been helpful to learn a little sooner:
There are no guarantees in life. Sometimes things don’t work out — that’s just a fact of life that’s always going to be true. There’s no way around it.
It’s your responsibility to be kind, but it is not your responsibility to be nice — there’s a difference.
Reading is never a waste of your time. Also, read whatever you want to read — don’t worry about what’s cool/popular, but rather, follow your callings.
On that note… Some of the best books you’ve ever read have “how to” in the title: How to Not Die Alone, How to Be an Adult in Relationships, How to Do the Work, How to Be Everything.
Smile at strangers — just do it. You’ve got nothing to lose and you just might make someone’s day. (When I go on a walk, I always aim to smile at three people.)
I swear stretching is one of the best things you can do for your body — it makes all the difference. Make time for it. It will keep you feeling young, limber, and more comfortable overall in your body.
Never apologize for being too much, giving too much, or being too kind — kindness always wins. And how wonderful that you feel so deeply, give so freely and lovingly, and really put yourself out there.
It’s not embarrassing to say things like “sorry, I misunderstood” or “I was wrong” — in fact, it’s actually genuine and refreshing. Don’t let your ego get in the way.
Communication is the most important part of any relationship — romantic, friendly, professional, other. The sooner you learn this, the better. (That relationship you were in, in which you didn’t fight? Yeah, that wasn’t a “good” relationship… You didn’t fight because you didn’t communicate well.)
There is no need to yell — ever. There are better, healthier ways to resolve issues.
A clean home always translates into a clearer mind for you.
They say comparison is the thief of joy — instead, focus on me vs. me.
Take your vitamin C and D daily — you notice a difference in your well-being and your health when you stop taking them.
Life is less about what happens to you and more about how you carry it. (This is the main theme of David Richo’s book How to Be an Adult in Relationships.)
You truly can’t change people — the sooner you realize this, the better.
Sometimes, things are going to get worse before they get better. Trust the process.
If there’s something you’re fretting about, say this to yourself: I trust life to show me what is right and best for me in this scenario. I trust myself to know when to be patient. It feels like such a relief once you accept that most things aren’t actually in your control.
Choosing to be non-reactive should be non-negotiable for you.
You can stay as you’ve always been or you can change — the choice is entirely yours. No one can do the work for you.
As you get older, there comes a shift where you’ll realize that the small things are actually the big things.
You’re a talented writer and people relate to what you write — you probably should have started sharing your writing sooner.
“Don’t chase; attract” — this is probably the hardest lesson you’ll learn in your twenties. Forcing something almost never works.
There is no secret to avoiding heartbreak — that being said, don’t let the possibility of it limit you from embracing love when it enters your life.
Your past influences who you are, but it doesn’t make you who you are. You are not your past — you can flip the script.
It was not a mistake to take a degree in a topic you love — it will actually come more in handy in your life than you know.
It is OK to rest — in fact, it is completely necessary.
Show yourself more kindness. You give so much and do so much for others. Remember to give yourself the same.
Mental health is health. (Louder for the people in the back!)
We never really “lose” anything — nothing was ever ours to begin with.
Often, when you least expect it, the path is made clear.
If there’s something I want to focus on this decade, it’s getting more in tune with myself. I want to have a better read on when something is too much for me and when the correct and best choice is actually to step back, versus lean in.
In The Pivot Year, Brianna Wiest writes, “Don’t get so used to chaos that peace feels like something’s wrong.” So many of us are used to having that “chaos” be all we know — we’re going a mile a minute, feeling overwhelmed, keeping busy and distracted. Instead, let’s focus on leaning into the slow down, leaning into the blank space and the pauses. Let’s get comfortable with embracing that feeling, so that the “chaos” isn’t all we know.
Here’s to another trip around the sun. 30 has been off to such a great start and I can’t wait to see what the rest of the year holds.
~~
PS — see below for a list of the books mentioned above, in order of appearance:
The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest
Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton
How to Not Die Alone by Logan Ury
How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo
How to Do the Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
How to Be Everything by Emilie Wapnick
The Pivot Year by Brianna Wiest